Written with learning love for others and self…
I just returned from spending 5 nights and 4 days in South Korea. There was no fanfare nor excitement. It wasn’t planned by me but I just happened to go along. That was where it all started wrong for me. I had no interest but decided to go anyway against my better judgement; against my very nature and personality. The unfolding events should not have been a surprise but hurt never-the-less.
So this trip only served to confirm things I knew about myself and also to highlight the fact that very innate things about myself cannot be overlooked or simply changed because I have a desire for them to change, if even momentarily.
‘Diving’ into this trip required spontaneity and if you know me even a little bit, as I know myself, I have not a bit of spontaneity in my being. I’ve tried on countless occasions with very little success. Dare I say, this trip to South Korea was an ‘expensive’ attempt at being spontaneous.
I travelled with a group of 3 other Jamaican ladies, God bless their hearts. It was the first time for me to travel for vacation of sorts in which I should have planned of sorts. But it was an uphill task from the very beginning because of my lack of interest. There was no fanfare of excitement to go on a plane and travel to a new country for the first time. That is when I realise this trip was definitely all wrong.
There was a lack of unity and camaraderie and the apparent division reared its head over and over again. This kind of disunity goes against my very nature as I like to keep things and people together. I tried to deal with it and resolved that whatever was happening could be overcome, but it just got worse.
I had hoped also since I had not planned and researched as I would for myself, being the technical person that I am, that I would attempt to roll with the flow of the trip. Unfortunately their was no flow and so my spontaneity thirst was frustrated more than quenched, exhausting me greatly in the process. I gave in to the exhaustion and the internal torture and blame was hurled at me from every internal angle possible.
My thoughts raced to the moments of highs on the trip where I felt genuinely happy, but those were short-lived as I relived the seeming apathy and segregation of the group. It can be easily said that I am the one who separated myself from the group and while I wouldn’t deny it, I would defend it. I attempted to rejoin the group as it were but that momentary separation threw the course off track and unlike a race car mete when after making a pit stop you can jump back in the race and it would be as though you were never missing, the effects of my pit stop were evident and couldn’t be caught up to. So I continued for the remainder of the trip solo, trying not to beat myself more than I already had.
I might be thought of as a negative person by some, but I’m a realist and not negative at all. It would be for a lack of knowing me that some may think me negative. Being a thinker and a planner causes me to think of things way in advance and seek to preclude any ills that could occur. So you can imagine this unplanned trip with its many ills had my poor mind in excruciating pain.
So what did I learn or was reminded of in all this [about myself]?
- I’m not spontaneous, unless even the spontaneity is thought of ahead of time
- I am a thinker and a planner
- I enjoy communication, so I expect people to respond
- I fail to realise that humans are poor communicators so I still expect it from them, driving myself nuts in the process
- I expect too much from people including common sense responses
- I keep forgetting how selfish and self-centred human beings are naturally
- I am very sensitive to atmospheric disturbances, people and presence
- I am very discerning, logical and rationale, while being a person of faith
- I detest apparent incompetence and time wasting
- I detest disunity, apathy and genuine disinterest
- I am mostly quite aware of what is going on around me and I’m irked and peeved by those who seem clueless
- I can’t pretend or hide my emotions
- I need time alone to reset my emotions so I don’t become too judgemental or hard on myself and others for our natural differences
- I still want the best for others and try to love them through my own short-comings
- NOW I KNOW WHAT IT MEANS TO PLAN A VACATION FOR MYSELF EVEN IF IN A GROUP…never really been on a vacation of sorts that I planned before 🙂
There are many other things I’ve learnt of myself and others and my interactions with them and I hope to become a better person by them; to be more tolerant; and to be more loving.
I take full responsibility for this most recent experience because I failed to respond to my very nature but instead tried to go against it. Bad idea…lol.